Smelvira

It was the summer of 1981 and I needed a way out; bad. I was living with my father's wife's mother. My father's wife, BettyJo Lemongello did not like me very much and living with my father was thus out of the question. And that was unfortunate because my own mom had sent me off to college with only a Hallmark card depicting a loving mother on the cover and within a handwritten note to yours truly informing me the locks would be changed post haste. My going away card informed me further that if I tried to return the police would be summoned.

Well after my first semester of college I returned to my father's apartment, suitcase in hand only to have the front door slammed in my face by BettyJo Lemongello. I spent a week living in the basement of my father's apartment building, on the lam from life, so to speak, before word got back to BettyJo's mom of my dire straits.

Well Mrs. Lemongello, who unlike her daughter had a heart, insisted I come live with her and I suppose shit could have been worse. That would have been around Christmas 1979. However, by the summer of 1981, after the end of my junior year of college, shit got worse; in a hurry.

Mrs. L was losing her shit by the day, not that she was necessarily wrapped too tightly to begin with. If Mrs. L misplaced her umbrella, as she did one rainy morning, it somehow resulted in her throwing pots and pans all over the kitchen violently at 7AM and blaming her purloined umbrella on her other daughter, Ginny Sue.

"God dammmit! I'm not dead yet! I told you not to touch my things!! Do I look dead!?!?!?!"

"Ma," Ginny Sue said, "your umbrella's right next to the stairs where you left it."

"Oh."

That went on every day and night for about two weeks in June of 1981 so I knew I had to figure something out because you really don't want to be stuck in close quarters with a psychotic menopausal Albanian for an entire summer. So I got the local paper and started scouring the classifieds. There were a bunch of ads for camp counselors wanted and I decided that was my out.

I got hired for a place that catered to the developmentally disabled or what I later came to learn the kitchen staff and counselors referred to as Camp Tardy. On June 14th 1981 I packed a dufflebag and caught a greyhound bus.

My roommate at Camp Tardy was named Irwin. He was about 430lbs. Irwin's mom had been an arts & crafts counselor at CT and I suppose she had gotten Irwin his job as a lifeguard. When I met Irwin he was sacked out on his bed, which was really two beds pushed together, reading a book.

"Good book?" I asked.

"Awesome! You gotta check it out."

"I'm not really into dieting. I'm more of a Big Mac/Large Fries kinda guy."

"Oh. No. This is Dianetics. It's not a diet book."

"You sure? Cause..."

"It's okay. You can say it. I'm a big boy. I know it."

"Hey, as long as you're happy, I'm happy."

"Yeah, but you gotta check out this book. It can unlock the hidden powers of your mind. It says I can control people's minds and make them desire me sexually."

"OK, then. I'll catch ya on the flipster Irwin."

So I was out the door of my cabin and out in the deep ass boonies for the first time in my life. I was walking down to check out the lake when somebody tackled me from behind. I rolled over and cocked my arm to punch a motherfucker in the beezer when a female voice shouted, "No! Don't hit him!"

"My name is Dougie and you're my new friend!!!!!"

The big guy on top of me with close set eyes started to kiss me all over the face. What a revolting development I vaguely thought while trying to get him off me.

"Awwwww. Dougie likes you. C'mon Dougie," she said taking him by his fleshy arm. "Let's get off the nice man."

The chick managed to get Dougie The Smoocher off me and I dusted myself off.

"You okay?"

"I been worse. My name's Danny," I said and offered her a hand.

"Danny Danny Bo Banny Banana Fana Fo Fanny Fe Fi Mo Manny... DANNY!"

Dougie seemed to like the sound of my name.

"My name's Smelvira," she said, accepting my hand. She had a surprisingly strong grip.

"Nice to meetcha, Smelvira."

Okay, I know what you're probably thinking. Who the fuck names their kid Smelvira? Well, I was a stranger in a strange land on the lam from a psychotic Albanian or two so what the fuckity fuck do I care what her parents named her.

"That's a very nice name."

"Thanks. It was actually a mistake on my birth certificate but seeing as how my parents are both alcoholics they never got around to remedying it and I've been Smelvira ever since."

Smelvira was actually quite a drink of water. She had legs up to her neck and a rack you could stash a couple of cold ones on. She had a pair of big ruby red lips and a small button nose and frizzy long black hair.

"Danny Danny Bo Banny Banana Fana Fo Fanny Fe Fi Mo Manny... DANNY!"

"Okay, Dougie, why don't you run back to your bunk? I left you a surprise under your pillow."

"Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!"

"Bye Dougie," I waved as he Surprise!'d himself back to his bunk. The sun had just finished setting behind the lake and nobody but the mosquitoes and Smelvira seemed to be around.

"Where is everybody?" I asked.

"Oh, didn't they tell you? Tonite's movie night. I think they're showing, 'Smokey & The Bandit Part II'."

"Not a big Smokey fan?"

"Not so much, no."

"You smoke weed?"

Smelvira flashed me a mischievous grin.

"Does Nixon like to record shit?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I like weed. But I don't have any."

Smelvira dug into her tube top and pulled out a big fattie from between her big fatties. Over the lake I noticed a very full moon. It illuminated Smelvira's crooked choppers and bloodshot eyes.

Twenty minutes later I was out on the lake in a rowboat with Smelvira watching her toke on a fattie.

"You want a shotgun?"

"Come again?"

"Let me show you..."

Smelvira got real close to me and put the joint in her mouth backwards. She held me by the back of my head and blew smoke out the business end of the joint into my mouth. I noticed Smelvira smelled funny. Not like body odor but more like a sickly sweet smell that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Ten minutes later Smelvira took the last toke on the roach and tossed it overboard.

"So where you from?" I asked to make chit-chat.

"I'm from the land of cock suckers," she said and went about familiarizing me with their customs while I moon gazed and wondered what the fuck Smelvira smelled like.

"Okay. Stop for a second."

Smelvira looked up at me. There was drool hanging off her chin and one of her giant mammalian protuberances had extricated itself from her tube top.

"That was good. But I like to pace myself. Maybe we can row back to shore now?"

"Fine."

Smelvira crossed her arms and looked rather offended. I concentrated on my rowing and headed back for shore. Smelvira gave me a dirty look and said, "I hope you fuck better than you row."

Off in the distance I heard a wolf or a dog baying at the moon. Well I guessed it was the moon cause it was the biggest, fullest moon I ever saw. Smelvira stood up rocking the boat and pulled out both her titties and bayed, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooo-woooo-woooo-woooooo!"

I concentrated on my rowing thinking, "Just get to shore." About ten minutes later I beached the row boat and said to Smelvira, "Well, I guess I'm gonna go back to my bunk."

"You love me."

"Huh?"

Smelvira grabbed my shoulders and put her face an inch from mine.

"I said, 'You love me!' and don't try to deny it. It's destiny! Yeah, that's what this is. You were sent from the old country to be my one true love."

"You sure you've smoked before?"

"I said, 'You love me!', get it? Now follow me!"

And with that Smelvira pulled me by the arm into the boathouse. She turned the small light off and threw a big box of life jackets on the cement floor and threw me on them. And then, well, there's really no other way to put it nicely.... Smelvira raped the shit out of me and kept saying, "I want to make you feel pleasure like you've never felt before!"

I tried to take it like a man but I did think there was something a little off about ol' Smelvira. Finally, about an hour later when she'd had her fill she let me up and said, "Don't say nothin' to nobody; get it?"

I put my hands up and said, "Mums the word."

And with that Smelvira turned around and disappeared into the night. I found my way back to my bunk where Irwin was standing naked in front of the mirror saying, "Gotta get clear. Gotta get clear." over and over.

"Irwin. I'm going to bed. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

"Oh. Okay."

I put the pillow over my head and ended my first day at CT. I wish I could say I slept well but I woke up in a cold sweat. I had dreamed I heard tortured screams all through the night.

The next day I awoke and all I could think was, "I love Smelvira. I love Smelvira." Only I knew I didn't. It was like a broken record inside my head.

"Irwin," I said shaking him gently. "You gonna stay in bed all d-"

My jaw hit the floor as Irwin's head fell across the pillow. His face was purple and he was deader than disco. I suddenly was having difficulty breathing. Just then the door swung wide open and in walked Smelvira.

"Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling..."

I looked at Smelvira and pointed at Irwin.

"The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying..."

"Go get help. He's, he's — dead!"

"Of course he is silly goose. Why wouldn't he be?"

"What the fuck are you talking about. We gotta get help!"

"Oh my Danny boy. It's just you and me now. Like you always wanted it. Just Danny and Smelvira forever and ever and ever and ever..."

I pushed past Smelvira and ran out of the cabin. As I walked down the path to the dining hall I was greeted by a string of corpses lying along the road. Some were missing heads. Others were propped up against trees wearing hats made out of folded newsprint. In front of the dining hall what looked like the entire population of CT was holding hands in a circle. They were doing some kind of song and dance that went a little like this:

"Danny and Smelly sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes mayhem, then comes damage, then comes Danny in the mortician's carriage."

While I was watching this spectacle and wishing I had a cigarette or a machine gun I was tackled from behind.

"Danny Danny Bo Banny Banana Fana Fo Fanny Fe Fi Mo Manny... DANNY!"

"Dougie, c'mon. Get the fuck off."

Dougie frowned. "Okay, Danny. Do you like Smelvira's present for you? Today is your wedding. Can I be best man? Please Danny? Smelvira said to ask you. You're my friend. Danny is Dougie's friend!"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure kid. Whatever you want. Say listen, do you know where there's a telephone?"

"Who you gonna call, Danny?"

"I wanna order a special gift for Smelvira, but its gotta be our secret right?"

"Seeeeecret?"

"Yeah, it's a surprise."

"Suprise! Surprise! Suprise! Surprise! Suprise! Surpr-"

"Shhhhh. You gotta keep it on the QT kid. Just you and me, right?"

"Okay, Danny. You follow me. You follow Dougie to telephone...."

A few minutes later I was lifting the camp director's corpse off the black phone on his desk. Somebody had stabbed him in the back with a pitchfork.

"He's not hay."

"No Dougie. He is not hay."

I picked up the phone and put it to my ear. I got a dial tone and dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

I explained my situation to the operator.

"Okay, sir. I want you to stay right there. Now this is important so I want you to listen closely sir. Smelvira will be right over for the wedding because you love her love her love her...."

The door to the office opened and Smelvira walked in wearing a bloodstained wedding dress.

I dropped the phone vaguely wishing I was getting hit in the head with an Albanian frying pan.

Ten minutes later I was back on the grassy hill, a hundred developmentally disabled campers holding hands in a circle, surrounding me and Smelvira.

"Something's missing...," Smelvira thought out loud. "Now what can it be?"

"Oh, I know. The priest. You can't have a wedding without a priest."

Smelvira clapped her hands and pointed at a bunch of the kids and said, "He's in the wheelbarrow in the boathouse. Go get him."

A bunch of kids broke free from the circle. They skipped off to the boathouse holding hands singing, "Yeasty Priesty. Yeasty Priesty."

"Smelvira, maybe we should get help for the staff. Some of them might still be-"

"Still be what? Alive? Are you calling me incompetent honey? I've been doing this since long before your great granddaddy was an itch in your great great granddaddy's nutsack."

Well, there's not much I could think of to say to that and besides the campers were pushing the wheelbarrow up the hill. They got to within a few feet of us and as I feared there was a dead priest in the wheelbarrow. Where he came from? I was beyond wondering at this point. And meanwhile, the whole time, in my head was that fucking voice, "I love Smelvira. I love Smelvira."

"Okay. Now we can have a wedding."

The priest in the wheelbarrow didn't look like he was up for much officiating. Smelvira walked up to him and said, "Smelvira's work is never done."

Then Smelvira fished a big joint out of her cleavage and got it lit with a strike anywhere match that she struck off Dougie's forehead. She took a big hit and held it in.

"Now you," she said pointing at yours truly.

"I'm not really in the mood right now."

Smelvira knitted her eyebrows at me and I felt a chill run up and down my spine.

"Now, Danny. Open. Your. Mouth."

I complied and she filled it with smoke. I tried to hold it down but after a few seconds I puked in the grass.

"Lightweight," she said and then walked over to the wheelbarrow. She took a big puff and then blew it in the priest's mouth.

The priest stood up, cracked his neck, did a little jig and said, "Well faith and begorrah! Let's get you two lovebirds married, sure enough!"

Smelvira laced her arm in mine and said, "Dougie, you'll be the best man."

"Dougie's the best! Dougie's the best! Doug-"

"That's enough Dougie!" Smelvira glared. Dougie shut his yap.

"Smelvira, do you take this strapping young lad to be your betrothed forever and ever and-"

"Yes. He's mine all right."

"And you lad? Do you take this lovely lass to be your forever and ever and ever?"

"Yeah. Well, about that. It's like this....."

Smelvira gave me a dirty look and said, "What's it like Danny? Tell me. What's it like? Are you getting cold feet? Is Smelvira gonna have to hold a motherfucker's feet to the fire?"

"To the fire. To the fire. To the fire."

"Dougie! Shut the fuck up!"

"Now take it easy, baby," I said taking a few steps back. The circle of campers began to close around us. Smelvira looked at the priest and said, "Father, can you give me a hand?"

Smelvira ripped the priest's arm out of the socket.

"Oh drop dead, why don't you?"

The priest looked at his displaced arm and dropped dead on the grass.

"Now, where were we my true love? Oh, yes. The fire!"

The priest's arm went up in a blaze.

"Now everybody. Let's hold Danny's feet to the fire!"

"The fire! The fire! The fire!"

Seeing as how I knew where this was going I decided to do my best impression of Bruce Jenner and go for the gold. I hauled ass and hurdled a couple of campers' intertwined arms.

"After him! Get the groom!"

"Get the groom! Get the groom! Get the groom!"

I made it up the hill and began to run down the long curvy driveway that led into the camp. The campers and Smelvira were hot on my heels when I heard the unmistakable sound of a helicopter. It came down from out of the sky and opened fire. I dove behind some trees and tried to take cover as campers were mowed down left and right.

"You can't get away, Danny," Smelvira screamed. "I will chase you into the beyond if you make me!"

"There's my friend Danny," Dougie said pointing at the tree I was hiding behind.

Fuckin' Dougie.

"Danny Danny Bo Banny Banana Fana Fo Fanny Fe Fi Mo Manny... DANNY!"

And then, as if the helicopter read my mind, Dougie's head burst into smithereens.

Men dressed in black came down out of the helicopter on ropes and circled around Smelvira.

"But today's my wedding day," she protested at the men in black.

One of the men leveled a rifle at her and said, "It's been annulled," and shot Smelvira in the neck with a dart.

Smelvira grabbed at the dart and pulled it out and threw it on the ground in disgust. The man shot her two more times in the chest.

"Danny. You love me. You love me. You lov-"

Smelvira collapsed to the ground. One of the men in black got on his walkie-talkie and said, "Bring in bravo. We have the package."

"Okay, kid. You can come out from there."

I peeked my head out from behind the tree.

"That's right. It's okay. We're the good guys."

I stepped out and surveyed the scene. There were about a hundred dead campers in the road and two of the men in black had Smelvira in a straitjacket. A moment later several blacked out vans came ripping down the driveway. They placed her on a stretcher, strapped her in and disappeared into the back of the van. And then they were gone.

A man in a black seersucker suit approached me.

"So kid. You wanna tell me what happened here?"

"Yeah. Everybody's dead and this-"

"No."

"No?"

He shook his head. "No."

"No they're not dead?"

"Oh, they're deader than stumps. But nothing happened here. Y'get it?"

"Nothing happened. Nothing at all."

"You've got brains kid. Yes, you have."

Twenty minutes later they dropped me off at the greyhound bus stop in town. The man who seemed to be in charge handed me five twenty dollar bills and said, "Have a safe ride back to the city."

"Uh. Thanks. For everything, I guess."

"Don't mention it kid. Seriously."

"Mention what?"

The man in black almost cracked a smile but ended up just nodding slightly. Then he drove away officially ending my short lived career as a camp counselor. For a couple of days I still kept hearing that voice in my head say, "I love Smelvira," over and over but it got quieter and quieter until eventually I forgot it was ever there in the first place.

Fuck the summer of '81.

Originally posted on r/nosleep under the pen name mypumassmellfunky.