"Why is there a little boy sitting on the floor in his underwear?"
I looked at the kid. I looked at Athena. I assumed this was a rhetorical question. The kid couldn't have been more than ten years old and yeah, he was just wearing a pair of what looked like blood stained Hulk underoos; bottoms only, no top.
He also looked like he'd been crying recently and further appeared not to wish to acknowledge my presence. Athena and I had just moved into a new apartment and I was going to go out on a limb here and assume the kid was my next door neighbor.
I passed the sack of groceries to Athena and approached the kid. When I got close I squatted down to get a better look at him but what I got instead was a better smell. What the fuck was that? It fucking smelled like.... radish juice.
"Hey little man. What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
Silence.
I scratched my head. "Don't wanna say? That's okay. Is this your apartment here?"
Without looking at me the kid nodded once. I could see his hair was matted with what looked like more of the radish juice.
"Athena. Go inside. I got this."
Athena wrinkled her nose at me. She nodded once and disappeared into the apartment.
"My name's Ernie kid. What's yours?" I asked offering my hand.
The kid finally decided to eyeball me. His sad blue eyes met mine then traveled down my face to my outstretched hand.
"Iggy."
Iggy shook my hand. He had noticeably big hands and a pretty good grip for a little kid. His hands were sticky with what I detected to be more radish juice.
"Is anybody home?"
Iggy nodded his head a bit.
"So why don't you go inside?"
Iggy looked at his feet. They too were covered in radish juice.
I fucking hate radishes and just who the fuck would turn them into juice anyway I wondered. I needed a fucking cigarette.
"You mind if I keep you company for a bit?"
Iggy shrugged his shoulders.
I fished a cigarette out of a pack and got it lit.
The smoke tamped down the radish juice smell a bit and I blew out a big plume of smoke trying to figure out what my next move would be. It was kinda chilly in the hallway and I couldn't just leave the kid out here in his underoos. Plus I confess to being more than a little curious as to what this kid's deal was anyway.
"Okay Iggy. I'm gonna ring your bell and see what's going on here, okay?"
Iggy flinched.
"Don't worry Iggy. It'll be okay."
I rang the bell. Nothing. I counted to ten and then rang it again. Nothing.
I sighed. I thought I could hear a television playing inside.
This time I held the bell for a while.
Nothing.
Then I held it and I didn't let up. About two minutes passed with the bell buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing.
"YOU JUST FUCKING STAY OUT THERE YOU LITTLE FUCK FACE IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!"
Oh ho. It speaks. And oh so eloquently I might add.
This time I started knocking with the side of my fist. Another minute went by and suddenly the door flung open revealing a rather crazed looking woman in her early 30s with a face covered in what I assumed was avocado.
She had a hammer in her hand.
I stepped back. I felt Iggy's hand on my back. The crazy lady's hands were red with the same radish juice that covered Iggy.
"Excuse me. My name is Ernest. I just moved in next door and I noticed Iggy here having what appears to be a less than stellar afternoon."
The crazy lady's face pinched and puckered. She tried to glare at Iggy behind me. I could hear Iggy's breathing quicken.
"He's been a very bad boy and he's punished!"
"Uh, is Iggy's dad around by any chance?"
The crazy lady's crazy dial suddenly redlined.
"Who?!?!? The sperm donor?!?!? He's even worse!"
"Yeah but-"
"Look mister whatever your name is, Iggy's punished and he is a very bad boy and that - is - that!"
The door slammed in my face.
I looked at Iggy. He studied his feet.
From inside the crazy lady's apartment I heard her scream, "very bad bad boy!!!!!!!"
"Iggy. Wait here a just a sec."
I poked my head in my apartment and almost head butted Athena. Eavesdrop much?
Athena gave me a look that said, "Well?????"
"Guess who's coming to dinner?" I said flashing my pearly whites.
Suddenly Roy, my golden retriever blew past me from nowhere, hauling ass out of the apartment and almost knocked Iggy over. He started whining and whimpering and then collapsed at Iggy's feet, rolling over on his back and pissing all over his furry chest.
Iggy looked down at Roy and I could swear he almost smiled.
Well that cinches it.
It was about an hour later and Iggy was sitting on my couch in a pair of Athena's shorts and a Public Enemy vintage tee; all traces of radish juice and tears gone with the wind. The kid cleaned up good. Roy was laying down with his head in Iggy's lap and Iggy was petting Roy's head.
Suddenly I heard a shrill voice screech, "a VERRRRY VERRRRRY BAAAAD BOY!!!!"
Roy let out a low growl. Iggy stiffened. Athena wrinkled her nose at me.
I looked out the window and I could see the avocado bitch standing topless in her kitchen. She had a butcher knife in her hand and she was screaming at somebody who wasn't there that somebody was a, "very very verrrreee baaad boy".
Suddenly she turned to look out the kitchen window. Our eyes locked. Foam leaked out her pursed lips onto her green chin. She looked not unlike an apoplectic she-hulk.
Then she pulled her curtains closed and was gone from sight.
Roy looked up at me. Athena wrinkled her nose some more. Iggy stared at Roy's head and kept petting him. I smoked another cigarette and decided I needed to take action. So I picked up the phone and ordered a large pie with pepperoni and mushrooms.
About forty minutes later Roy, Ernie, Athena and I were eating pepperoni pizza when there was a banging on the door.
OPEN UP!! THIS IS THE PO-LEEEECE!!!!
This was followed up by, "A VERRRRY VERRRRRY VERRRRRRRRRRY BAD BOY!!!!!!"
Roy growled.
I stood up.
Athena wrinkled her nose.
Iggy studied a piece of pepperoni on his plate.
The banging on my front door intensified.
I opened the door.
Before I could say anything a cop punched me in the face and then tackled me to the floor.
I heard Athena scream, "Ernie!"
And then things got kind of blurry.
First I felt the cold metal of a gun jam into my neck. Then a knee dig into my back. It was hard to breathe.
"Stay down you fucking pedophile scumbag!"
And then the cop was off my back and I could breathe again. He launched a scream that filled the apartment, echoing throughout its length. This was punctuated by a gunshot that missed its mark.
Plaster from my ceiling rained down. A geyser of hot blood sprayed my face. I rolled over to see Roy's teeth shredding the cop's throat to uneven ribbons. Roy's red eyes were rolled up in his head and his teeth were making a gnashing sound.
Out of my peripheral vision I saw the dead cop's partner draw on Roy.
I rolled over kicking him in the shin hard as I could.
Iggy!!!! YOu've BeeEEEEN A VERRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE BAAAAAAAD BOY!!!
Suddenly the full weight of avocado lady was on my chest. She held a butcher knife and didn't look like she had pepperoni pizza on her mind. I tried to grab her wrist. My bloody hand slipped and I felt the knife slice my forearm. Then I got kicked in the head by the other cop, the one who wasn't dead. Athena screamed again.
Roy sunk his teeth in the cop's pants before he could kick me again. The cop dropped his gun howling in agony. Blood spurted from his leg.
I looked up in time to see crazy avocado lady raising the butcher knife high over her head. She held it with both hands.
Verrrry bad. Verrrry verrrrrry verrrry bad boyyyyy.
I tried to scramble away; my hands slipping, failing to gain any purchase on the bloody parquet.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
Avocado lady collapsed on me in a heap mumbling, "verrrry baaad..." a few times and then, just for variety, she followed it up with a hissing sound. The knife fell from her hands with a splash into one of the blood puddles. It seemed avocado lady was deader than disco.
Like a tree in the forest the other cop fell face first on his dead partner. I couldn't help noticing that half of said face was missing.
Roy ran over and licked my bloody face whimpering.
Roy boy's breath smelled like pepperoni, mushroom and death.
I looked up. Iggy came into focus standing over me in my Public Enemy tee shirt; the dead cop's gun still smoking in his hand. The apartment still reverberated with the sound of the gunshots.
Athena rushed to help me to my feet.
I thought I could make out sirens approaching in the distance.
I took the gun from Iggy's hands. They were steady as Chachi and Joanie.
Athena looked at me and wrinkled her nose.
"How do you figure we're gonna explain this one Ernie?"
I looked at Iggy and wiped some bloody avocado and plaster from my mouth with the back of my hand.
Roy had taken a seat at Iggy's feet. Iggy scratched Roy behind the ear absentmindedly.
Then Iggy's blue eyes flashed bright. He gave a single shrug.
"Just tell them I've been a very very bad boy?"
Originally posted on r/nosleep under the pen name lolagrace.
