I love my dog. I could relate to my dog. Maybe it was because I was a dog. But more on that later. I also love Christmas even though I was an atheist.
My ancestry were jews of the eastern european/escape the fucking 19th century pogroms variety but my gut feeling is that there has never been anything so authentically jewish as a weed smoking, knish munching hardcore atheist.
I was also a pragmatic hedonist. And no fucking religious affiliation, or lack thereof, was going to deny me the cool of yule. My dog Buddha felt the same way and he was all about holiday festivities. Now my wife was a different story. Let's call her Lucy and let's call me Larry just to protect the not so innocent.
Lucy was serious about her fun so you can imagine how serious she was about serious shit. And part of her fun was Christmas. That "fun" meant traveling half-way across the country to the middle of nowhere (Kansas) to hang out with her more boring than watching gray paint peel parents.
That also implied finding a dog sitter as my dog was not welcome there. Now before all you animal lovers start jumping to conclusions about her people being anti-dog let me state for the record that the Buddha was not exactly your normal collie. I had adopted him from someone who adopted him from a guy who apparently kept him in a basement and kicked him around the first few months of his life. He was big and friendly looking but he had more in common with Pablo Escobar than Lassie.
Buddha loved women and children but he hated big men. And big dogs. The bigger they were the more he wanted to fuck them up. Now Lucy being all kinds of animal savvy was sure he just needed an alpha female to put him in his place.
Buddha was equally sure that that was not her and to prove it he was not above hijacking the bed when I was not around to referee. Now Lucy had this morbid fear of fur from the pooch infiltrating her cooch so one fine day as the X to the Mas was fast approaching, Lucy had tried to shoo Buddha off the bed while I was out scoring some skunk that I planned to wrap in peanut butter and then in saran wrap and shove up my ass for the trip to Kansas tomorrow.
I was bumming about going to Kansas and being separated from Buddha for a whole week and this was exacerbated by the fact that Lucy and her biological clock had been hounding me and my nutsack to, "do the right thing..."
Now I like kids and all but I wasn't so sure I wanted them and I was even less sure bringing them up with Lucy was going to be the magical mystery tour I had always imagined parenthood to be. But suffice to say Lucy had been giving me a lot of shit about my fondness for the kaya and my ambivalence about fatherhood.
The full court press had been in overtime since Halloween and it was not uncommon to hear shit on a daily basis like, "...what if our child is the one to cure cancer? How can you deprive the world of a cure for cancer? How can you be so selfish Larry??!?"
Well I could be that selfish, so selfish that I did in fact spend the last 3 hours out with a pal of mine chasing down our guy with the juicy skunk. I was just walking through the door of our house figuring I'd bring Buddha to the dog run and get nicey-nice when I was greeted at the front door by Lucy with, "Buddha has to go! Buddha bit me! You have to do something about Buddha! I won't stand for this shit anymore Larry...."
Good thing I was not mellow yet thus depriving Lucy of the harshing of said mellow of which she had excelled at since the third month of our marriage.
"What happened?"
"Buddha fucking bit me! He has to go! You have to do something about him! I told you this was-"
"Lucy. What. Happened."
"Buddha wouldn't get off the bed. He was growling at me. So I went to throw him off the bed and he bit me..."
I went into the bedroom. Buddha was still on the bed. He seemed none too pleased. And his eyes seemed a little red to me. I got his leash and took him to the dog run as Lucy's, "... you've got to do something because I can't put up with.." trailed off into the vapor.
I needed to think. And I needed to smoke. And it did not help that some lady tried to bring her big rottweiler over to say hello.
"Is your dog friendly?"
"No I'm sorry. He's not."
Well apparently people are always confusing me for a non-native English speaker so over they came followed by Buddha lunging on the leash making his feelings on the matter abundantly clear in Buddha-speak.
The lady turned white. Thanks to reflexes honed through bitter experience I quickly got control of Buddha pulling him off to one side by his lead.
Color slowly returned to the lady's mug.
"Your dog is a menace! Your dog..."
"He's just misunderstood..." said me as I dragged a reluctant Buddha down the block. He continued to trash talk the rotty over his shoulder in Buddha-speak.
"Buddha! Shut the fuck up! We don't maul on Christmas!"
As it turned out I ended up staying out with the Buddha for a good hour and a half just walking and puffing on the skunk surreptitiously. The holiday joy was draining out of me faster than a crack-head can steal your iPhone.
"Well Buddha you crazy bastard you.... Is this cause you can't come with to Kansas? Fuck dude you don't want to go to Kansas. Nobody wants to go to Kansas. Kansas. Is. Corny."
Buddha just cocked his head to one side like he had water in his ear, not thinking about corn but instead how he could dupe me into not noticing the big german shepherd on its way over to say hello.
Well having been hatched on a Tuesday but as it happens not last Tuesday I was having none of it so across the street we went, in the general direction of Lucy, her biological clock and two tickets to Kansas.
"Okay. Time to face the music..." sighed I to the B. Imagine my surprise when I returned home to an empty house. So quiet nothing was stirring. Not even a Brooklyn cockroach. Too good to be true I engaged in a bit of recon and after a bit discovered a note on the fridge.
It read: Larry. I need time to think so I do not want you coming with me to my parents. I am sure you will be happy to spend Christmas with Buddha more than me as apparently you love your dog more than your wife. Repeat: You are NOT going to Kansas with me and I am staying at Kate's till my flight tomorrow. - Lucy
I looked to my left. I looked to my right. Then I looked at Buddha. Buddha replied to my look with a quizzical gaze of his own that said, "Wussup papi????"
"Well fuck me with a rhythm stick sideways! It's a fucking Christmas miracle!"
9 days no Lucy. No flight to Kansas. No peanut butter skunk weed up my ass. Deck the halls with yada yada...
Now don't get me wrong. I love Lucy. Technically speaking that is. It's just that lately I felt better when she was not around. I looked to the left. I looked to the right.
She was not around. And. I. Felt.....
BETTER!
Well the next day when I woke up Lucy was still not there and my big bag of skunk was. I promptly rolled myself a number for the road. I was about to spark it when I noticed a very long blonde hair sticking out the end of it. Not being fond of the smell of burning hair I gave it a tug. And another. And. Another. This was a very long blonde hair. Wasn't Lucy's... How odd I thought...
Before I could ponder this further the big bad Buddha came flopping over with his leash in his big friendly maw saying in Buddha-speak that he needed to pay the water bill.
Feeling his pain I threw on some clothes and my coat and hat and took Buddha for a walk. And that's when things got weird. As I approached the corner I saw what appeared to be a very big female husky connected via a very short leash to a drop-dead gorgeous Swedish super-model with legs up to her neck.
The Swedish super model's dog suddenly lunged at Buddha dragging her startled mistress. Before I could grab Buddha's leash to prevent an early Christmas visit from Mr. Mayhem Buddha spontaneously rolled over on his back whimpering and showed a field of belly to the sky.
"I'm so sorry... Your dog is soooo cuuuute. Is he a collie?"
"Amongst other things..."
"Emma seems to be in love... ya?" she said revealing the whitest pearly whites I'd ever seen. The hard December morning sun shone off them and her luxuriously long blonde hair blinding me for a moment.
"My name is Larry and that is Buddha," I said putting out my hand.
"Oh," she said nodding her blonde locks like it meant something. "So nice to meet you. My name is Ingrid. You live around here ya?"
"Actually I do. Just around the corner. How 'bout you?"
"Oh. No. I am from Gothenburg. I am just visiting for the holidays..."
"Where's Gothenburg?"
"It's in Sweden. I am stewardess dog-sitting for friend to spend holiday in New York."
"Sweet..."
"Ya ya... I love New York. But I was wondering... Ya... No nevermind..."
"What?"
"I don't know if I should say but you and your dog look soooo nice ya? I was supposed to get some...," Ingrid's eyes darted askance before she finished with, "...pot from friend yesterday but it not happening and I was wondering if perhaps maybe....."
Well shove an ounce of peanut butter covered skunk weed up my ass and sneak me past a TSA agent. What a difference a day makes.
"Yeah well," I said scratching my head... "it just so happens I got some skunk..."
"You have dog and skunk?"
"No. I mean yes. I mean the weed is called skunk."
"Oh...yaaaa...."
So before you can say anything at all, me, the Buddha and the Swedish AmbASSador and her husky attaché were soon sprawled in my living room hitting on my Darth Vader bong, sipping cocoa and watching the snow fall.
"Do you live all alone?"
"No I'm married," I said flashing the ring.
"How bout yourself Ingrid? Is there a Mr. Ingrid somewhere?"
Ingrid laughed.
"Oh no. I am far too much of... how do you Americans say... Slut! Ya that is it... I could not be with one man just...."
"Where is your wife?"
"She is flying right now to Kansas."
"Kansas?"
"Yeah. Like there's no place like home. That's where her folks are."
"Why you not go?"
"Well Buddha bit her and-"
"Why the ass Larry?"
I looked at Buddha who was snout deep in husky arse.
"Brains. He's got brains..."
Ingrid laughed. It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas after all.
"Do you mind if I use your bathroom Larry?"
"Make yourself at home. It's at the end of the hall..."
While Ingrid found her way to the WC I packed another bong and thought to myself that nine whole days of vacation staring me back in the mug with a big bag of skunk and now a Swedish visitor in the house could not possibly end well.
Suddenly my reveries were interrupted by the sound of Swedish throat clearing.
I turned around to see Ingrid standing under the mistletoe wearing only her birthday suit and a mischievous grin. She had a leash in her hand and somehow I didn't think she was planning to take Emma for a bonus walk in the park.
"I want to be humiliated. I need it. Ya...?"
"I am submissive ya? I need it. I neeeeeeeeeed..."
On the radio some little brat was ratting her Moms out to the world for slutting it up with Santa Claus last night.
Okay sports fans. I felt all the blood rush to my other head.
Testosterone kids. It's a helluva drug.
Now I can tell you I looked at my ring and remembered my vows. I can tell you about the angel on my left shoulder and the devil on my right. I can tell you discretion was the better part of valor and that I marched Ingrid and her Swedish ass out the front door into the snow forthwith but then I'd be lying like the rug.
Hours went by which bled into days and the snow continued to fall. Felix the cat's tail continued to wag as his eyes moved left to right surreptitiously. The strains of Run Run Rudolph filled the house.
Later that night Ingrid brought me a glass of Johnny Walker Blue. Ingrid snuggled up next to me and gazed into my peepers asking, "You will always love your slave? Ya?"
I swallowed some whiskey and clenched my teeth.
"Ingrid. You know this has all been a bucket of kicks and giggles but I'm a married man and you're from Gothenburg and-"
"But now you are my master. I am your submissive. Forever. Forever..."
Suddenly it seemed someone else was rocking the boat. I stood up only to feel the room spin out from under me. The glass of whiskey slipped from my hand to the floor with a thunk and a splash. Then the blackness got its donation and I remembered no more.
"Larry. Oh Larry.... Time to wake up you philandering fuck!"
Slowly the abyss receded revealing my wife. No holiday spirit seemed in attendance...
"You fucked her. You fucked her. I can't believe you fucked her... Was it good for you too you fuck?!?"
I tried to sit up but couldn't. I tried to move my arms but couldn't. I was cuffed to cuffs that were chained to the wrought iron bed posts.
From the radio somebody sang, "Chains... My baby's got me locked up in chains. And they ain't the kiiiind... that you can see."
Well speak for yourself.
"Larry you self-centered cock-sucker. You really thought I went to Kansas without you... Really??!?!"
And then Ingrid came through the door in all her naked glory and gave Lucy a big fat old sloppy french kiss.
"I told you he would dahllllink... Men are such little boys ya??"
Well I won't bore you with all the details but I spent the rest of the holiday season shackled, beaten and starved with a ring-side seat to the Lesbian circus and a jerry-rigged goat-milking machine that Lucy and Ingrid had repurposed for baby-making purposes. With every crack of the whip Ingrid said, "I neeeeeeeeeed it-tuh-tuh... Ahahahahahahah."
Lucy leaned over me and pulled out the gag-ball.
"Why Lucy? Just divorce me if you don't want to be together. This is not even remotely cool...."
"Oh no Larry? Not cool? You see Lucy and I are going to have those babies after all. And guess who's gonna be Daddy?"
And that's when my erstwhile slave Ingrid wheeled in what resembled a milking machine I had once seen at a county fair. A milking machine used on goats I might add.
I came back out of the black abyss on the eighth day of Christmas to ask the eternal question that had been plaguing me since this whole debacle began.
"Where's Buddha?" I asked for the thousandth time.
"Buddha? That crazy bastard?" asked Lucy.
"Well I might as well tell you.... He's been sleeping too.. And we've been starving Emma and covering Buddha in gravy... We've been....."
I gritted my eyes horrified by the thought of my buddy Buddha being fodder for anything at all.
"Yes Larry-warry. Soon Emma will be so hungry your precious psycho dog will be little more than--- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
And that blood curdling scream was the sound of the second Christmas miracle I was to witness that fateful year.
It was punctuated only by the most ferocious growl I'd ever heard in my life.
Yes you guessed it holiday horror fans. It was none other than the Buddha himself. Flying through the air faster than a sled led by a red-nosed reindeer.
Lucy turned and tried to fend the Buddha off that eighth day of Christmas but alas the red-mist cloud only grew larger than a Kansas cyclone.
To Ingrid's credit she tried to save her true love. Acting on what must have been pure instinct and adrenaline Ingrid tried to lift the whirring milking machine so that she could clobber the vengeance-having Buddha.
Unfortunately for Ingrid she slipped in Lucy's blood and fell back on to the collapsed bed and the machine came unplugged from the wall. The horrible whirring stopped. Suddenly I was free.
Well you already know I'm if nothing, an opportunist. And, as such, I really felt it was a good time to wrap those chains around Ingrid's neck.
From the floor it grew quiet as the Buddha sniffed at Lucy's now lifeless body.
Ingrid on the other hand was not quite done protesting.
"No... please... we - can - still - be - together - La-rry... Ya?"
Like I said... I was born on Tuesday but not last Tuesday. I tightened the chains around Ingrid's neck until.... SNAP.
"Sorry Ingrid... But. I. Need. It-tuh-tuh..."
And that's how the Buddha spent Christmas.
Originally posted on r/nosleep under the pen name mypumassmellfunky.
