My name is Nachman Lipschitz. Perhaps you even remember me from a milk carton or two? I was born in Brooklyn, New York in 1971 to Benjamin and Esther Lipschitz. I was a devout Hasidic jew until I was almost 13. Yes, I wore the payot and yarmulke and davenned like it was nobody's business, you betcha. Yes, up until I was almost 13 years old the Boro Park section of Brooklyn was my universe and I embraced it, you betcha. That is until Sunday, September 16th 1984, the day I met Atnima Lena Wagnovich and my entire life changed overnight in ways you would not believe, you betcha.
At the time I was preparing for my bar mitzvah and that meant a lot of extra study with the Rebbe. I had been riding the D train to yeshiva with Benny and Jacob. It was the first time my parents ever let me ride the subway without an adult and it felt like a momentous occasion, you betcha. That combined with the emergence of my very first short and curly had me feeling very much the mensch, you betcha. I was davenning like nobody's business when all of a sudden I lifted my head to see Benny and Jacob laughing at me from the platform. I leaped up but the doors closed in my face. The train lurched forward and Benny and Jacob's guffaws faded with doppleresque certitude.
And that was the last I saw of, "Avenue J Avenue J Avenue J Av-"
To tell the truth I was a little scared, you betcha. I had never been alone on a train and I didn't know how to get where I was going. I sat back down and took out my pocket Torah and began shuckling. It was at that very moment that a teen boy and girl came into the car causing quite the ruckus, you betcha. The boy wore a leather motorcycle jacket and carried a boom box. The girl had curly blonde hair and a lot of make up. They sat down directly across from me wouldn't you know. The boy put his arm around the girl and lit a cigarette.
The girl shook his arm loose, shooting him a look that could freeze water. Our eyes met and she smiled at me. I immediately resumed my davenning. At the next stop the boy tried to kiss the girl but she punched him in the chest. He just laughed. He got off the train but the girl with the curly blond hair remained. Our eyes met again and her eyebrows got together for a short, "how are ya?" She had very big green eyes and very big pupils. I caught myself staring, felt my cheeks flush and I quickly looked down.
At the next stop I tried to ask a man and woman who looked vaguely jewish how to get to Boro Park but they said they did not know. I sat back down realizing I was lost. Yep, I was in a real pickle, you betcha. The girl suddenly stood up and walked right up to me. I looked up at her and she just smiled down at me.
"You're lost, huh kid?"
"Yes. I am very lost."
"Aren't we all?" she asked.
"Huh?" I asked.
"Oh. That's a rhetorical question kid. Say... what's your name?"
"Nachman Lipschitz. Very pleased to meetcha."
"Well, if your lipschitz then my ass whistles," she said and burst out laughing. When she finally got it under control she said, "My name is Atnima. So where do ya wanna go?"
"Boro Park. Very much, you betcha."
She studied my face the way I studied the talmud.
"Y'know. You're a verrrry good looking boy."
I felt myself blush.
"You like Zep?" she asked.
"What's a zep?"
"Oh. Y'know. Stairway to heaven. Black dog."
"Whose dog?"
Atnima sat down next to me. I moved a bit away and she slid closer and put her arm around me.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"I just turned sixteen. How old are you Nocky?"
"I'm almost 13," I said.
"You look older. Like definitely 15."
If she knew I was the proud owner of but one short and curly she might not think so but I was not gonna tell Atnima that, you betcha.
"Well, it's like this kid. My boyfriend's a jerk so I gotta take care of some business real quick but I'll tell you what. You come with and when I'm done I will personally take you home to Boro Park. Whaddya say?"
I thought about her offer. I had no idea how to get home by myself and to be very honest I felt a faint stirring deep down that was new to me. I was not quite sure what it was but I found myself blurting out a very hearty, "You betcha!"
There was blood everywhere. On the walls, the floor, Atnima and me. So much blood. It had spurted from the girl's neck like nobody's business, you betcha. I wiped some from my eyes and mouth with my yarmulke. Atnima seemed to get her breathing back under control.
She grabbed the dead girl by her very big hair and said, "Listen up cunt and listen good. Nobody but me fucks my boyfriend, ya got it?"
The dead girl seemed to have trouble answering but Atnima seemed unfinished with all the questions.
"I teach you how to wear makeup. I introduce you to all my friends and you repay my kindness by fucking my boyfriend?!?!?! You think I'm not gonna find out??!!? You think, oh well, what's she gonna do about it anyway that, 'silly bitch'!?!"
Atnima pulled the dead girl's face by the hair an inch from her own and said, "WELL NOWWWWWW YA KNOW, DON'TCHA BITCH?!?!?!?!"
I pulled on Atnima's sleeve to get her attention.
"Erm, miss-"
She spun around and held the butcher knife to my throat.
"WHAT?!? CAN'TCHA SEE I'M BUSY WITH LITTLE MISS SISSY PANTS!?!?!"
"Ummmm. I don't think she can hear you so good. I'm pretty sure she's a goner, you betcha...."
Atnima looked at the dead girl.
"Is that right Sissy? Are you a goner?"
Atnima lifted Sissy's head up and down by the hair and said in a funny voice, "Yes. I'm a dead bitch who'll never fuck your boyfriend again. Never ever ever never."
"Damn straight to the eight," she said and let go of Sissy's hair. Sissy fell on the floor with a dull thud. A little more blood splashed on my shoes and pant leg.
I looked at Atnima. She looked at me. Sissy didn't look at much of anything.
"Can you take me home to Boro Park now, please Miss?"
"Oh yeah kid. About that. Well I wasn't exactly expecting to lose my shit like.... this," she said making an expansive gesture to the bloodbath. "I guess the purple double-barrells were a little... intense."
I had no idea what she was talking about.
"I really need to get home. My mother-"
"Look kid. I like you. You seem honest, unlike my cock sucking cheating ex-boyfriend and this dead bitch on the floor. Soooo... I'm gonna give you a break," she said waving the butcher knife in her bloody hand. "Y'see I can't have no witnesses to fuckin' murder walkin' round Brooklyn. So you can either lay low with me for a few days till the heat dies down or.... you can take a nap with my pal Sissy the rag over here," she said pointing the big knife at the dead girl with the very big hair who was laying motionless in the big puddle of blood.
Now I can tell you Sissy did not particularly look like she was enjoying nap time, you betcha.
"So what'll it be kid?"
"I'm not too sleepy to tell you the truth, you betcha."
"Good answer kid. Good answer."
"But, erm, can we go now?" I asked nervously.
"Oh helllllllzzzzzzzzzzz fuckin' no. What? You think we can just book outta here covered head to toe in that bitch's cheating blood? Nope nope nope and nope."
"But-"
"Y'know what time it is kid?"
I looked at my watch but she grabbed me by my left payot and said, "that's a rhetorical question."
Then she dug in the pocket of her blood spattered leather jacket and pulled out a little plastic bag with a bunch of little purple pills in it. She shook a bunch out in her hand and said, "Say 'ahhhh,' kid."
"Now waitaminnit miss-"
Atnima suddenly grabbed my shvantz. I opened my mouth to try to say something and that's when she shoved the purple pills in there.
"Swallow 'em."
I made an audible gulping sound whilst vaguely hoping I might live to see tomorrow. Boy, was I gonna give Benny and Jacob some talking to, lemme tell ya, you betcha!
Atnima grabbed me by the arm and marched me into the bathroom.
"Now take off those bloody clothes."
"Erm... now miss-"
"Alright kid. Lemme lay down the ground rules. I gotta stiff in the other room and I'm tryin' to avoid a murder rap. So I reeeeeeeeeally ain't in the fuckin' mood for your waffley, 'you betcha,' bullshit. So from here on out when I say jump you fuckin' say how high!"
"Erm-"
She poked me in the chest with a bloody forefinger.
"Get it?!?!!"
I noticed a large vein bulging in her forehead. Her eyes started turning red like before when Sissy denied shtuppin' the goyim and Atnima stabbed her in the neck; twice.
"Got it!"
"Good," she said brightening up. "Now strip kid."
I stripped and Atnima looked down at my short & curly.
"Wow. Was your dad a horse?"
"What?"
"Nevermind, Uncle Milty."
Atnima put me in the shower and then stripped herself and turned on the water. She looked like she could make the kosher milk truck verrrry jealous, you betcha. I felt a strange tingling in my lone short and curly. My shvatz rose like a golem, you betcha. Atnima said, "I'm impressed kid but now ain't the time."
Atnima covered us both in a bottle of Mr. Bubble like it was nobody's business, you betcha. She suds'd me up and washed me from head to toe. Even my tuchus and shvantz and that's when something very odd happened and I peed what looked like mayonnaise all over her belly. My knees grew weak and suddenly everything seemed, well, more colorful.
I don't think we're in Boro Park anymore...
Atnima didn't seem to mind the mayonnaise pee pee and ten minutes later the last of the bloody water spiraled down the drain.
"So kid, whaddya whaddya. Does Mr. Bubble make gettin' clean almost as much fun as gettin' dirty or what?!?!"
She gave my shvantz a tug.
"You betcha."
Moments later Atnima was toweling me off rather vigorously.
Finally she looked at my hair and mumbled, "Gotta do something about those...."
She rifled through the medicine chest and came back with a pair of scissors.
"Those curls gotta go."
I was about to object but all of a sudden everything seemed verrrry funny to me. The dead girl in the other room. My mayonnaise pee pee. The bloody clothes. Mr. Bubble. The whole salami....
I started laughing and just couldn't seem to stop.
Atnima smiled and with two quick snips my payots fell to the floor, never to return again I might add, you betcha.
"Yer a regular laugh riot, kid," she said.
Another five minutes later Atnima had me dressed in dungarees and a tee shirt that said, "Iron Maiden". She was wearing black pants and a tee shirt that said, "Relax. Don't do it."
"Can we go now?"
"Almost done kid. Just one more thing."
I heard a bunch of pots and pans rattling in the kitchen. Then I heard a loud, "A-HA!"
Atnima came back into the room proudly holding a bottle of whiskey and two cans of WD-40. She handed one of the cans to me and said, "Start spraying this all over the curtains and couch and that dead bitch."
So I did, you betcha. I was still laughing a lot and everything seemed pretty funny. Atnima poured the whiskey all over the rug while she sprayed WD-40 on the chairs and carpet.
She looked around the room and finally said, "Now we can go."
As we were about to leave the apartment she grabbed my shoulder and said, "Wait a minnit kid," and pulled a cigarette out of a pack and put it to her lips. She fished in her pocket and found a zippo lighter and got her cigarette lit. She blew a smoke ring at my face and then said, "y'like science kid?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Watch this," she said and tossed the zippo on the carpet.
The carpet went up in flames and we both started giggling like meshuggeneh.
I spent that night at Atnima's house. She had a room in the basement and her own entrance. I asked about her parents but she just shrugged and said, "they had an accident.... on purpose," and gave a little chuckle. That night Atnima made me a man in ways a bar mitzvah just couldn't compare to. Well maybe a rodeo bar mitzvah but I digress....
To tell you the truth, I ended up living in that basement with Atnima for almost nine years and became a completely different person. I grew my hair long. I became a very successful cocaine dealer. I even got pretty handy with an uzi and what not, you betcha. More importantly I learned how to eat a shiksa like it was nobody's business, you betcha. Sometimes I felt bad for my parents with the whole milk carton thing but Atnima opened my eyes to entirely new possibilities.
What I learned most of all is if anybody ever cheats on you there's nothing wrong with performing a little thoracic surgery if you know what I mean, you betcha. It's actually kinda fun and takes your mind off some of the betrayal and heartbreak. Maybe someday, if we get to know each other a little better, I'll tell ya all about how I became a hitman for the mafia. You betcha.
Originally posted on r/nosleep under the pen name mypumassmellfunky.
